There are a few people you find on every plane. These people proceed to purposefully and with unwavering dedication, fuck with your head throughout the entire period you are in the air like I am right now. These people can broadly be divided into the following categories with their frequency of occurrence.
NUMBER: 1 to 5. If you’re lucky.
KNOWN ACCOMPLICES : Parents, siblings
FREQUENCY OF OCCURENCE : (100%) Every fucking flight
These little fools are always on steroids. Mothers add it in their milk. This theory is proved by their extremehyperactiveness and insatiable energy.
From the moment you get on to the plane to the very end, they will be a consistent source of torture to your earbudswith their wailing and bawling. They also have a know characteristic of tramping/sprinting down the aisles screaming with laughter and bumping your elbows.
The worst part are the parents who look on adoringly at the child while he portrays tendencies of Green Goblin.
They will ask retarded questions like : “What will happen if I open the window of the plane?” In which case the general reply from the cooing mother is along the (very stupid) lines of : ” You’ll fly away?” instead of a far more logical “Your little body will get sucked out and fly straight into the engine where you will be immediately disintigrated.”
Needless to say, the kid doesnt give up trying to open the fucking window and keeps giving the little lever above the emergency exits yanks and us, minor heart attacks.
THE LOUD BEST FRIENDS:
NUMBER : Anything from 2 to 12.
KNOWN ACCOMPLICES : Each other
FREQUENCY OF OCCURENCE : 80-85%
They generally include a group of friends (all male) of age-groups 25-30+. They can be anything from people flying out to an office party to cold blooded mafia.They have one single, irritating characteristic. They.Are.LOUD. So fucking loud that by the end of the flight, you know whose getting married, divorced, laid, killed or castrated.
You know their religion, their jobs, what ‘Pammi aunty’ wants for her birthday and what her daughter said in his ear.
They have an annoying tendency to keep shifting seat so that they dont miss out on making any new BFF’s and you find yourself praying they fall and die in the process.
But the worst is their laugh. I have nothing against laughter and happiness. But I hate just about dozing off on a long flight and then being rudely woken by raucous laughter and loud pats on the back.
Oh and did I mention they have a creepy habit of snuggling into each other? .
NUMBER : 1 or 2 or 3(If 3, then screwed)
KNOWN ACCOMPLICES: n/a
FREQUENCY OF OCCURENCE : 90%
The Fidgeter is a classic. He can be found not only during flights but also most commonly in movies. He’s the guy who is generally seated in the seat immediately next to yours or in front, behind or on the side or ALL (god help you) and he/she cant stop fucking moving !
He will never find a position comfortable, he will always try to take 90% of the common armrest, not be able to decide how to position his legs, tap his feet,drum his fingers and basically make you want to tear his guts out if only to make him sit still.
There’s also the case when he’s in front of you and reclines his seat so far back that you spill that tasteless yet hot coffee all over your lap.
THE RETARD WHO ARGUES WITH THE STEWARD:
NUMBER: 1 or 2 (sometimes in the Loud Best Friends category)
KNOWN ACCOMLPICES : Works alone.
RETARD : R
AIR HOSTESS : A
R: Why cant I go to the bathroom?
A: Sir the plane is about to land. All the passengers have to remain seated until it does.
R: But you are standing.
A: Yes sir. But that is my job.
R: So what about my job? (I presume he meant the one in the bathroom)
A: I’m sorry sir but you will have to wait until we land.
R: How do I know you’re not doing it since you can stand?
(Stewardess leaves. And a part of you keeps wishing shes going to return with a huge guy whose going to zap this retard with a light saber.)
I rest my case.
KNOWN ACCOMPLICES: Friends, family and if he could have managed it, probably his dog too.
They dont really bug anyone in general. They’re just stupid. And they find find a reason to take a picture in every damned situation
The cameraman on this plane is a 40+ dude who cant stop taking pictures of his daughter, wife, mother, daughter and wife, daughter and mother,(Somehow, wife and mother is avoided. Too many Soaps I guess. Oh well.) him, him and plane, plane and family (Standing so close to the fans, you think they’ll be sucked in.), him and stewardess, him and cart with snacks, him and everyone in the plane (this is the irritating part. Im sure no one wants to end up in a 40+ idiotsOrkut display picture titled, “Me in plane”.)
THE MOVIE GUY:
KNOWN ACCOMPLICES: 1 or max 2 (the only guys who can lean in and giggle while they watch the movie together)
These guys are fucking weird. They take out their ‘cool’ laptop and start a movie. Generally something which containsthe likes of Mallika Sherawat. They put it on full fucking blast on the afore mentioned ‘cool’ laptop speakers and makethe whole plane uncomfortable with the orgasmic squeaks as his partner leans on his shoulder and giggles with him.
I actually heard of an instance when some of these in-serious-need-to-get-laid fools put on a porno. God knows that must have made the stewardess uncomfortable.
*NOTE : I’m sure as this flight comes to an end, I’ll come across a few more that I have forgotten. Please feel free to remind me and leave your descriptions.